“In our Lord’s life there was none of the press and rush of tremendous activity that we regard so highly, and the disciple is to be as his Master. The central thing about the kingdom of Jesus Christ is a personal relationship to Himself, not public usefulness to men.” –Oswald Chambers

Conviction

Why is it that just about every time I make a complaint about something, or make some manner of life altering decision, God is quick to reveal His truth to me. But when I seek His face earnestly and honestly, (and hopefully with my whole heart), He is silent? But, boy was He ever on top of things with the correction and conviction this time. It was just last night when I found myself brooding over the fact I had nothing to do. This first week after getting back from my Brazil trip has been spent searching and longing for SOMETHING to do. It didn’t even matter what. I just wanted to be busy doing something. Anything at all.

Then I wake up this morning, decide to write a blog post about whatever I read in my devotional and, BANG! Conviction. It’s almost like clockwork, how God is quick to show me when I grossly wrong in a matter, but when I ask Him to reveal what is right instead, I get silence. I find myself with an answer I dislike, but I keep coming back to it over and over again. God is not so careless over me as to disregard my pleas and ignore me in my distress and despair, (which happens more often than it should). I think perhaps God continues to speak silently into my soul that my great need is not answers, it is Him.

As cliche as that might sound, I keep coming back to the harsh and much overdue realization that I need God first before my writing improves, before my songs rhyme and minister, before my actions matter, before my plans even form, before my attitude can change, and before I start each and every day. It comes down to this: it’s not about me.

My pride hid the truth from me,
It wasn’t God who walked out on us,
Ensconced in attempts to just be busy,
When all I needed was to just be loved.

So, call it conviction; call it epiphany; call it inspiration. I keep saying this, but I finally found what I need to be doing. I may never stop “finally finding”, but I’ll never stop searching until I do.

As always, thanks for reading.

–the anonymous novelist 

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