I’ve heard it said that closure is overrated. But what if it never existed to begin with? 
What if closure is an imaginary or psychological euphoria that comes from a desire for oneness? 

What if we invented the “happy ending” only to distract from the pain of the story?

What if there is no such thing as finality until death do us part from this earth and those we love?
What if the only closure we will ever know, the only evidence of transparency we ever see is at the final bell when all is said and done? What then?

What Now?

Life is moving in slow motion right now. I find myself in the middle of one gigantic waiting game where I’m the pawn to played for the purpose of those controlling the pieces of my life. I feel like I’m living life vicariously, as if my true identity and heart lies elsewhere: and it does. Perhaps it’s still in Uganda, perhaps the deep recesses of my writing personality, or perhaps something more spiritual than all of that. Vicarious life is not always a negative. In fact, it is one of the many ways you can make an impact for Christ!

Not because I desire a gift: but I desire fruit that may abound to your account.

—Philippians 4:17 (KJV)

The fruit isn’t the gift. It’s not what you give but what you receive. When Paul asks for physical things to meet his needs, he is asking for help in furthering his ministry. What is given that enables him to continue, and by his continuing seed are planted in live which bloom into trees of life bearing fruit, that fruit then abounds to the account of those responsible for enabling the ministry of Paul. You are not just giving when you fund, supply, or aid a ministry; you are also going vicariously through your gifts. They become your ambassadors and represent a part of you. In this way you partake of the ministry and the blessing.

Therefore it is important that we bestow our gifts upon worthy ministries. For just as we partake in the blessings of good work, we also shall partake in the condemnation of evil work. Not because we wittingly aided the cause of unrighteousness, but because our vicarious presence by way of our help or finances was party to the evil. So search out those in whom you would invest. Let the Holy Spirit lead your hand and guide your heart to where God would have you become involved. And most importantly, be it 1 penny or 1 million dollars, your gift represents you and you can make a difference.

The Victorious Vicarious

It’s difficult to feel like you’re living life for yourself rather than through yourself. To be on the outside waiting on the outcome of others decisions to move forward with the life God gave you. But don’t despise it, this is what it feels like to wait on God. I find most of the waiting that I blame others for causing us really just me waiting and trusting God for answers. I’ve been seeking Him a lot lately, and I believe I’ve found Him. With my whole heart and unreservedly I’ve devoted myself to a search of His will for me for… I dunno, it’s been years now. And the closest I’ve come to understanding what He would have me do is this moment, right now. 

But as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. I don’t want to be defined by my heart unless I can be sure that God is vicariously living in and through my heart. I want my life to be the vicarious living of Holy Spirit. If that takes a greater surrender, perhaps even a greater sacrifice, what is my life in the grand scheme of things? If my life can benefit the cause of Christ than it is wrong for me to hold onto it for my own selfish designs and desires. Today I die. God live through me. Inhabit my giving, my loving, my worship, my work, my wants, my ways, my will: lead me.

As always, thanks for reading.

—the anonymous novelist

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