Lust: The desire to have something you cannot have.

That’s not the official definition, it’s not even the biblical definition. That’s my definition. My experience with lusting has gone far beyond “I want that kid’s toy”, “I really like that guys watch I want to have it”; lusting, for me reaches the most basic and carnal level. I hate being candid because it makes me feel weak, but even anonymity cannot hide me forever. I’m a human, sometimes on this blog I glorify myself so that you’ll take my advice as someone who isn’t currently in the grips of things you’re struggling with.

The one thing all humans have in common, the one thing we are entitled to is weakness of mind. No human can resist their basic desires fully. Everyone suffers from some kind of weakness, everyone is prone to a certain sin. That sin manifests itself in different, what we call “bad habits”. To lust after something is to want it even though I know I can’t have it. For me, it’s not so much wanting something that is someone else’s, as much as it is wanting something that I can’t have.

The thing I lust after most is a normal life. Many of my closest friends will testify, this is the thing I want the most. This is the thing I lust after, this is the thing I cannot have. Now, this is not to demonize my parents. I truly believe under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the divine call from God himself they took upon themselves this life. I’m a product of their obedience to God, this life I live is something God has called me to through my parents. Until I’m called somewhere else, I’ve been grafted into their ministry. Rather, I have been born into their ministry, quite literally so.

No, it really isn’t anyone’s fault that I am where I am for the reasons that I am. But, that doesn’t stop me from wanting something I can’t have, that doesn’t stop me from being discontented, that doesn’t stop me from manifesting my most carnal and basic sin: lust.

Is it wrong that I want to live a normal life, not the life I’m currently living?

I can’t answer that. I truly believe that I want what God wants for me, what He thinks is best for me. Can I control my fleshly desires? Physically, I am not capable of suppressing my basic desires in the flesh. I cannot control them because I am a mortal human. I am a carnal being, only Christ can work through me to remove the desires that should not be there and replace them with the ones that should.

A normal life entails more than you know. A normal life isn’t just a 9-to-5 job, a place where I can live and wake up every day to the same people, the same neighborhood, the same house, the same surroundings, the same everything. That would be nice, but it goes deeper. There are things that normal people get, opportunities to have, people they consistently see and can build relationships with, and so many other things that I may never have. But, this post isn’t about discontentment, this post is about finding your contentment where you are.

It’s not enough to say, “I’ll be content when I get everything I want”. We must decide to be satisfied with what we have where we have it. Is it wrong to still lust after things we can’t have? No, it’s not wrong to lust, we live in a sin-filled world, you will want things you can’t have. But it is wrong to give into those lusts, act upon him, to indulge them, to dwell upon them. We can’t always control our thoughts, but we can control our actions. I may never get a normal life, that doesn’t mean I can’t want a normal life. It just means that I should love the life I have. And if I ever experienced a normal life, I’m sure wouldn’t be everything I dreamed. Live where you are right now.

As always, thanks for reading.

–the anonymous novelist

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