I think I’m in love…

Now, I could go ahead and tell you that there is this person in my life whom I have admired for a long time. I could go on to say that we have been growing close and that I am in a way to fall hopelessly in love with this person. I could say that she is the most beautiful, most Godly, most loving, most courageous, and the most kind person I have ever met; that every time I look at her my heart stops and I have to pause and catch my breath. 

I could tell you that a more radiant person never existed and that if I used my imagination, I would fancy myself very much in love. I could tell you all of this, but I’d be lying. 

Truth be told, I am not in love. I do not hold the feelings for another that would cause me to do anything for them. My heart is my own, it has not been given to another. I’d like to say that I am content with these circumstances, that life is fine as it is. But, I cannot say those things in honesty. God has given to me a restless spirit, one that hates idleness and seeks purpose, seeks love, seeks greatness. I find it hard to be content.

I find it difficult to be satisfied even when I try to justify my current state of idleness by dubbing it, “a chance to get to know God better”. But, God is silent, and for a being who lives for purpose and longs every day for God to speak, reveal Himself and His plan, days are torturously long. I am living from concert to concert, drunk off the praise and worship of the events and then dying in between them. The dormancy of my life is a task and a burden. I am overcome with loss. Restless. Asking the question over and over: why?

Why is God silent? Why am I doing nothing with my life? Why can’t I feel His presence like I once could? Why…? 

If all stories were meant to have a happy ending, there would at least be hope of a glorious resolve, but that is not the case. 

Life is living, loving, and lasting longer than years by the legacy we leave. We live for today, not tomorrow. The future is a certain uncertainty; we cannot know it, so why fear it? On the other hand, that seems the most valid reason to fear the future. As humans, we fear what we don’t understand, what we can’t grasp or fathom. 

God’s plan for my life is something I cannot understand right now, therefore I fear where it may take me. Life for me will never be perfect, or even normal, but it will always be about Christ and never about me.

Moral of the story:

The happy ending you are looking for may only be possible if you start focusing on a happy now. The ending is defined by the path you take to get there. There is no happy ending on the path of sorrow and regret, for those steps lead to dispair and loneliness. Anchor your soul in Christ and don’t attempt to justify or interpret His silence, just serve, obey where you are until He moves you.

As always, thanks for reading. Happy Sunday.

–the anonymous novelist 

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